Wednesday, May 13, 2009

C'est La Crap

People say that change is inevitable. I say that too. But that doesn’t mean that I have to embrace it. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. Some things are supposed to remain predictable, reliable, and dependable. That’s what keeps sanity intact, that’s what keeps you from being driven off the edge. When the predictable starts to behave like the weather, that’s when you start to lose a little bit of yourself and wish that things would just go back to the way it used to be. Have you ever wondered why is it that when you really expect some things to remain the same, that is when everything starts to go haywire? Just when your life is going all screwy, the few things that you wish would still be that rock isn’t anymore. Like for instance, that shop that used to have those delicious chocolate brownies and has been around since forever suddenly decides to close when you need it the most? I mean come on! Or when all you need is a glass of coke from Mcdonalds when you’re feeling down, and when you get home you realize that the stupid waiter gave you Diet Coke instead? Or a friend who used to be there all the time and you haven’t seen that person in a long time and on the one time you need to meet and just talk, they suddenly cancel? I mean it’s not like I’m asking for a million bucks or for that DeBeers diamond ring! I just want certain things to remain the same! When everything in the world seems to be changing! Music is not what it is anymore. Films aren’t either. I can’t even derive comfort from TV shows like I used to be able to! There are only so many episodes of FRIENDS I can keep on rerunning!

Some people say that change is good. But if you ask me, it’s not all the time good. Sometimes change is just as bad as remaining stagnant. Even my grammar is taking a hit as I’m typing; thank God for the grammar error green lines that keep appearing on Word that is keeping you from reading my mistakes! And I know that when my grammar is going nuts, then my mind is really not in place at the moment. That’s how crappy I’m feeling.

I just want some things to remain the way it used to be. I want my best friend back. The one who decided that she would much rather listen to her boyfriend’s lies than to believe what I say. And now she’s no longer with the boyfriend! But we’re still not friends again. Whatever happened to the good times we shared? Actually to hell with her! If she would much rather believe those lies than to trust me, then I’m better off without her. Ask anyone who is close to me; I would never do anything to hurt them intentionally, much less make up stories behind their backs. If anything I am fiercely loyal to the people I love. So that is one thing that changed that I can’t get back. My closest female friend who decided to bail. But seriously, now that I think about it; to hell with her!

My ex boyfriend was also my best friend. But the day we broke up, we also stopped being best friends. I do not want him back as my boyfriend. I have realized a long time ago that we broke up for a reason and I have totally gotten over him. In fact if I hadn’t broken up with him, I wouldn’t have met the person I am with today. So that is one change that was good. But I wish I could get the best friend in him back.

Perhaps I am asking for too much. Some people say you can’t have it all. You don’t really get all the things you want in life.

Whatever it is, I just wish that some things would simply go back to being predictable, reliable and dependable. What is wrong in wanting these things? They’re pretty basic and mundane if you ask me. I don’t want a ten storey building named after me. I don’t want an island of my own. I don’t want a Lamborghini. I am pretty much contented with what I’m driving right now. Fuel-efficient. Hey, you can’t beat that, can you? So which part of all of these is asking for too much?

I am a simple girl. Complicated at times, but that’s just normal of any woman. But at the heart of it I am really a simple person who wants to be happy and wants some semblance of predictability, reliability and dependability once in a fucking while.

C’est la vie? Yeah right. More like c’est la crap.

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